Inhuman Swill

It's been far too long since I had a nice flamewar. I think the last one, in fact, was about two years ago when a sister missionary I knew twenty-four years ago friended me on Facebook and then posted to my wall to say the F-word offended her and she knew I would stop using it and polluting her news feed with it. I didn't even have to respond. It was my wife and friends who did the dirty work for me. Nice to be able to get my hands a litle dirty again.

From: Random Person
To: Bill Shunn
Subject: Editing job

Mr. Shunn, I would like you to consider editing two 10,000 word stories of mine. I am attaching a sample to work on and resubmit to me so I can see the calibre of your work product - if you're interested in the job.

From: Bill Shunn
To: Random Person
Subject: Editing job

In other words, you want me to edit you for free? Fuck off. I'm deleting your email without looking at these files.

From: Random Person
To: Bill Shunn
Subject: Editing job

Hey Shunn, You are a piece of work. I sent 2 pages to see if you were literate or an just another asshole. I guess you answered that question.

From: Bill Shunn
To: Random Person
Subject: Editing job

I don't think you understand the nature of the insult you committed. Professionals do not audition for jobs of this sort. Professionals do not edit even two pages for free. Professionals do not entertain offers of work without an upfront discussion of what the client is willing to pay. Your email was obviously not targeted specifically at me but at a broad list, which only adds to the above insults. I fear it is you who have shown yourself to be ignorant and unprofessional -- an asshole, if you will. A couple of friends have suggested that my response to you was too kind. Next time, if you want a more cordial reception, you might personalize your proposal a little bit and make your offer of remuneration clear from the start. Now, kindly fuck off.

Barney Frank is one of my favorite American politicians. He sounds like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character but says things in that goofy voice that are more forthright than any other congressman I can think of. Who else would tell off a constituent like this with such obvious disgust?

So Laura and I were walking across town on 9th Street on a recent frosty evening—Tuesday just past, to be precise—our arms laden with new purchases and our minds casting ahead to the pleasures of an evening at the Kettle of Fish on Christopher Street in the company of our CD Mix of the Month club cohort, when we spied a spasm of utter disgust and contempt twist the features of a squat, portly pedestrian approaching and about to pass us on our right.

For a moment I wondered what horrific sight or gut-churning smell it might be that had made such unholy handiwork of this Andy Richter–looking fellow's fat face, but all became clear when the porcine perambulator spat these words with a venom that would not have disgraced a slithering specimen of Naja nigricollis nigricincta:  "What is that on your head?"

Ah. Owing to the evening's chill, I proudly sported my infamous Mad Bomber Hat¹, tugged snugly down around my ears. Lined with genuine and luxuriant lapin fur, this toasty headgear never fails to elicit hearty compliments from more discerning critics (as, in fact, it did not much later that evening). Never before, however, had an imprecation of such vehemence been hurled at my innocent chapeau.

Needless to say, such churlishness could not be allowed to pass unchecked. Shrugging off my shock, I turned as the surly stranger passed and sent this salvo sailing over my shoulder:

"It's the last guy who said that to me."

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¹ A much-beloved gift of the esteemed bobhowe some few holiday seasons past. So called on account of the manufacturer, but possessed of added resonance due to certain of my past legal entanglements.

² The accompanying photograph of Ella and me, snapped by Laura on the Upper East Side early last year after a morning stroll through the Gates at Central Park, is also featured as November's offering in the Ella-Vation 2006 12-month calendar—still a timely purchase and readily available for your online-ordering pleasure at Lulu.com.